Life and Death June 10, 2012

I’ve had many thoughts on the subject of life and death over the last year. Most of the feelings I have on the subject of death are fear and anxiety. I believe most of these fears come from the realization of my age and that I feel that I am getting older quickly. I am 48 years old and my life isn’t what I had hoped it would be. After many years of trying to find a new purpose and direction, I have come to a point of being tired and feeling there isn’t a point because I feel what I really want will never happen. I believe this is my own fault because I remain frozen in that mind set and I am not acting on a change. I am not saying there hasn’t been change but I am not acting on a change for what I really want and most likely need desperately. We bought a new house in February and we have been gradually moving our stuff from the old house since. The new house is a huge change and commitment for me to my husband. I have tried to loss weight for many years and I feel I need to loss weight to feel good about myself physically. I have wanted to be in love with someone most of my life. I wish I can say that I am in love with the man I am married to but most of the time I feel distress over our relationship and I don’t feel good around him. This pains me to say, I have said it to him, I feel that it hurts him and he continues to excuse the situation with, “ that he doesn’t know what to do.” I feel anything is better than nothing. I feel he could most likely do research online and find many articles on how to save your marriage or rekindle the romance or something on the topic. He would do it for any other subject of interest. Well, it doesn’t matter what his excuse is, as long as he has one we will never have the relationship I dream or desire. I also wish I would of tried to become an actress but that dream is getting farther in the past as each day and year passes. I know there are many older and overweight actress so it’s not impossible but I feel it’s impossible for me because of my lack of motivation. which gets me to the obsessive fear of death.

I was raised by two parents that were from difference countries, different generations and had different beliefs. I think they both believed in God but they had a different denomination of beliefs. My mother would of not ever interfered in us going to church with my dad because I think she always thought any participation in a church about God was good. I don’t know what exactly there thoughts of life after death might have been. I felt my dad was trying to live as long as he could so I think he felt the most important part of life was when your living, not where you may go after. We attended the First Baptist Church, Burnet, TX where the primary belief is if you ask Jesus in your life then when you die you go to heaven to be by Jesus and God’s side. After I got married and lived my adult life away from my parents, I continue to believe this way. I believed and I wanted to live a Christian life on earth so that I could live a life in heaven with God. I’ve had several relationships and marriages that left me feeling different about religion and my faith in God. I’ve tried to get back to that place many times but I can’t seem to feel the same about it. We tried to attending church when we were having many problems with my second son. That was a good reason to go to church but it shouldn’t be our only reason because when things seem hopeless with him, continuing to go just was not happening. My son was getting himself in trouble with the law and drugs until he met his girlfriend that he is with. She is pregnant and her baby boy and is due August 22, which makes him my first grandchild. They are now moving to another town 5 ½ hours away with her mother. I feel I may hardly see them or the baby. Even thought all my other kids are fairly close I feel pain over them moving. I couldn’t offer them a place to live at this time because we need to sell the house we just moved out of. We need the money to pay off debt, fix and provide for the new house we are in. Part of me felt I needed to let him go to grow up but sometimes I feel where he is going isn’t going to help him with that.

I had a friend die of cancer this last year. She was 15 years older than me. She had lots of friends. I would consider her husband my best friend for most of them time I knew him while she was alive. I don’t talk or meet with him much anymore since they found out she was sick with cancer. I started thinking about how fast the last 15 years has gone by and how much quicker the next 15 years will be. I feel there isn’t anytime left to spend any day unhappy or to not doing exactly what you want to be doing. Life is too short to be wasting. I have doubts of a life after to death so I feel that this may be the only life we have, the here and now. I still pray from time to time so I still believe there is a God to pray to but I feel that he is very far away. I use to truly believe that he heard my prayers and that he took care of me. I long to feel that again. I feel that there is a possibility that these things we learned about God growing up could not be true. If this is the only life we have and after this we don’t go to heaven, then we should live each day like it’s life or death. We should live each day like there isn’t a tomorrow, but have enough for our tomorrows so that we can have a good future as long as we live on earth. This may be the only time we see and love the people around us. Would we make different choices? I feel that I want to make different choices if this was true. I feel that if I can’t be happy with who I am with, I should be with someone else. Sometimes I feel that I might as well be dead, so it’s possible to feel death while you are living. Death to me is the feeling of hopelessness. If there is a place we go after we die, how would this change our life. If there is a God to have a relationship and sit with in Heaven, how would this change me now. I sit on my swing on my back porch watching my dogs. I think it’s the most peaceful place. I get a lot of joy watching them play. That is most like the only place I feel good when my husband sits by me and watches my dogs with me. I hear him laugh at how my dogs run. If I imagine that my life will feel that way sitting by God in heaven, would that be a place I want to be after I died. Would I live my life on earth differently or would I live it the same. Maybe we should live our life like its life or death either way.